The Grapefruit Tree

I have three lawns out in front of my house, and on one of them sits MY grapefruit tree.  (That's also one of my cars.  Because I take global warming seriously, I have both an SUV and a mini-van.)

Though you can't see any of MY grapefruit on it, or not many, the tree is now, and for most of the year, heavy with MY grapefruit.




I don't like grapefruit generally, and these, specifically.  I don't know what variety they are, but they are very tart or sour or what ever the right word is...and I just don't like them.  Howsomeever, grapefruit people seem to love MY grapefruit.  I give lots of them away, which is good.  I'd hate for any of it to go to waste.   After all, the poor people in Somalia would like to have MY grapefruit, you know. 


Often people come to the door, if they see me sitting here, and ask if they may have some fruit, and, of course, I tell them to help themselves.


Then there are the mother fucking thieves, like the pair today.  I'm sitting here in front of a window, looking right out front, as this fellow and his woman came down the sidewalk toting some lawn stuff...rakes and a couple shovels.  I sat here and watched as they saw MY grapefruit, spoke between themselves, put their things down on the sidewalk, and began helping themselves to MY grapefruit.

I don't know how many times this has happened over the years, and mostly I keep quiet.  Once in  a while, not so much, and today was one of those days. I got something more than mildly perturbed, stepped out on the porch...



Sure, that's it, you guys just help yourself to MY fruit. 
Oh, we were just... 
Yeah, I know what you were just, I can see for myself. You're stealing MY grapefruit.

We're just taking those that are on the ground. 
Why? You think those belong to someone else?  Well, you guys go ahead and help yourselves, I guess stealing MUST be a lot easier than actually asking me. 
We didn't mean to upset you.
Oh, you didn't. I always like it when thieves have balls enough to steal my shit while I'm watching... 

And all the while they were gathering up the fruit under the tree...well, the chick was...the guy was wondering how far I could throw my cane...