Hey, anyone in the mood for some banana nut bread?

Me either, but if I were to be in the mood for some, it would not be a commercially produced product.  The problem with them is that they use that horrible banana flavoring,  and nothing could be worse.  Whether that shit is natural or synthetic or a blend, I don’t know, but it tastes universally like a caricature of what banana flavoring tastes like, and it’s horrible shit.

But homemade banana nut bread that is made with real bananas…now, that is some  good shit right there, that’s what that is. 

The commercial stuff often looks really good, and the texture is often pretty good, as well…but the taste sucks the big one.  Maybe  that isn’t the case with high end bakeries; not large industrial ones, but the decent neighborhood bakeries…but I have no idea. Nor am I soon to find out. Personally, I can’t go into a real bakery without wanting one or two of everything in the cases, and though I’d be interested in how they made their banana nut bread, that’s probably one of the last things I’d buy. So I’ll likely never know.

But, let’s say you love the flavor of freshly baked banana bread. Further, let’s suppose you don’t mind the flavor of the commercial ones. Ok? You have the picture:  you like all things banana bread. But, you’re also health conscious, and you don’t want to take in all the fat and other good tasting crap that would go along with a hunk of it, so you cast about for something nutritious that mimics that taste.

And what to your wondering eyes should appear?

Right, an Odwalla Banana Nut Bar.

Maybe you’re like me and enjoy buying things off the internet, so you go looking for merchants selling these bad boys. You find what sounds like a good bulk deal at Amazon and go ahead and order some.

 

You look forward with gleeful anticipation for them to arrive, drool oozing from the corners of your mouth and  onto your chin like some dumbass.

Then, finally, they arrive. You brew up a cup of coffee, tear the package open, and unwrap your first yummy and healthy banana bar…

Now, I’ve never made shit sausage and put it thru a press to make a bar out of it, but I’m not an idiot. There are some things I can figure out for myself, and shit sausage that has been put thru a press to make a bar is one of those things.  THIS looks for all the world like a variety of shit from different people (hey, they wouldn’t feed us animal shit. That wouldn’t be hygienic) that has been chopped up and made into  sausage, then put in  a press to make a bar out of it.

But, ok, it doesn’t have to look great to taste great, and you’re still thinking about how good this banana-nut-bread-tasting,  pressed-shit-sausage-looking stuff is gonna taste with your coffee.  (Now getting cold because I’m taking too long to write this.)

You take a sniff…sniff…well, it doesn’t smell anything like banana bread. In fact, it smells exactly like all the other “health” type bars do. I don’t know how to describe the smell, but if you’ve ever unwrapped any of these kinds of things, you know what I’m talking about.

You take a bite.  The first thing you notice is that it feels like all the other kinds of bars in your mouth';  that not quite chewy, not quite crunchy, slightly oily-waxy feel all the other bars have. 

Still nothing that even remotely reminds you of banana nut bread.

You begin chewing, and as the bar mixes with  your saliva and spreads out thru your mouth, you realize that you have been fucked once again.  Not only does this pressed shit sausage fucking bar not taste like banana nut bread, despite that fact that it does actually have some banana product in it, there is not the slightest hint of banana bread flavor. Nothing. Not one single molecule of banana bread taste in this motherfucker; barely any banana taste at all.

You’ve been duped again.

Well, what the fuck did you expect?

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P.S.

Jeny says she can taste banana in it…

I’m pretty sure I can taste banana…

That’s what I wanted, a pressed shit sausage plank that might have some banana taste in it…