Happy Thanksgiving, you people!

I hope you and your families have a fine holiday. Well, unless I don’t like you, and in that case, I hope you’re miserable and you and your fucking family fight all goddamned day, and die tonight of food poisoning. But those people aside, and there aren’t really very many of them, the rest of you should have a good time.

And now, for my foreign listeners…

A Thanksgiving Primer for Foreigners

Thanksgiving is an American specific holiday, as you already know. I mean, if you don’t live in America, what is there to be thankful for, am I right? Of course you people don’t have a Thanksgiving.  And if you did, guess what? You’d be Americans and not foreigners, since foreigners don’t have Thanksgiving. This is why I get the big bucks, for keeping you people informed.

Since Thanksgiving is a holiday unique to America, this primer will bring you a brief history of the holiday, an explanation of how it is celebrated today, and the Thanksgiving behavior that you’ll be expected to know if you’re visiting your family here during the holiday.

History

We Italians discovered America in 1492, but soon became bored with it. Killing and raping Indians is fun and profitable for a while, but it gets old, and none of them have big tits. Besides, Italy needed to get ready for the French to come fuck with them in a few years, so who cared about a bunch of war whoops when you were getting ready to be taken over by that French midget, and then be broken up, you know?

Meanwhile, England was paying attention to the north part of America, and feeling all tough and greedy and shit after putting the Spanish in their place, so they sent a bunch of religious loons over here to the north part of the New World to invent New England. They had a tough first year here, and the Indians that lived around there, Whopahog’s,  helped ‘em out and so they invented Thanksgiving in 1621.  (It wouldn’t be until a bit later that everyone would get together and kill off the Indians. Back then, they sort of liked each other…kinda…for a  while. First, we needed to get slavery going, but that’s a different holiday.)

Current Day

Today, Thanksgiving is a holiday that no longer has anything to do with Indians or killing them.  (We celebrate that on Columbus Day, as we pay homage to that great Italian hero.) Today, it’s a holiday for family and friends to get together, eat and drink as much as you possibly can, watch football all day long, eat some more, and fall asleep early because you’ve eaten enough to keep a good sized village in some third world shithole alive for a month.

And you’re supposed to be thankful that we live here, in America, where we can have lots of stuff and food and be warm and dry, and where most of us are doing pretty well compared to you people, and if things aren’t great, they’re a hell of a lot better than the aforementioned shithole, et al.

If you, as a foreigner, find yourself here at Thanksgiving time, you should be thankful for America, too, since it’s very likely that wherever you come from owes a debt of gratitude, life, and money to America, for either saving your asses from some other foreigners, or helping you people not to starve to death, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

And, as a foreigner, you may also be thankful you have a return ticket.

I know WE are.