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The Kumquat

Did you people notice how I made the title, “The Kumquat,” green? Green…gardening…green…huh? I’m all clever and shit. Besides, you people didn’t know I had any other colors of type stuff, did you? Oh, I have my tricks, alright. I don’t tell you people everything…um…well, yeah, actually, I pretty well do, but that’s not the issue, although I’m not entirely sure what the issue is, not that it’s important.

Well, I may not know what the issue is, but I know what a kumquat is, so why are you taking up my time asking silly questions about the color of print I use.¹

Ok, the first thing we need to get into is the name of the stuff:  kumquat, cumquat, or cummytwat, depending on what you’re reading.

Look, there are two spellings for cumquat, cumquat and kumquat, and I had hoped that there was some neat story as to why. I had hoped that the REAL spelling was cumquat and that kumquat was invented in America, because cumquat is too close to cum twat…see?²   But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Damn.

Well, the stuff was invented in China, probably after they invented pasta or gun powder or clapping with one hand.  Or was that the Japanese, like it makes a difference? In Chinese, cumquat is something spelled with k’s, so I think it’s safe to assume that the real name is kumquat, with a variant of cumquat, but I can’t find the derivation of cumquat as being separate from kumquat, so you figure it out. I got tired of reading about kumquats.²

Now that we know what it’s called, what it is?

Well, it’s a fruit. Everyone seems to agree about that. But from there on it gets complicated. Originally it was thought to be citrus, probably related to oranges…and then someone decided, no, no, it was really a fortunella, what ever the hell that is. Current thinking seems to have them sliding back into the citrus pile. God, what tension.

As luck would have it, my physical therapist has one or more kumquat or cumquat tree or bush, and she brought some in  a couple weeks ago. Never having touched one, let alone having eaten one, I grabbed one. It looked like a good one. But I don’t really know a good one from a bad one. But I have one.

Here it is.

I suppose I should have taken a picture of it in my hand, so you could understand it’s relative size, but I didn’t. But, if you note that white thing under it, that’s the top to a prescription bottle…although…now that I think about this…that doesn’t tell you anything, either, because there are all sorts of prescription bottle sizes. Well, trust me, it ain’t very big, smaller than an orange, larger than something smaller.

And it’s as hard as a fucking rock.  It’s been like a little concrete sphere since it was given to me. My first assumption was that it wasn’t ripe.  But then I read that a kumquat was ripe when it turns this color.  Alright.

So I took a bite.  Nothing. It tasted like nothing. Then I took a bigger bite…meh…nothing, really. It tastes like nothing.

Either the thing isn’t ripe, no matter what color it is, or it doesn’t taste like anything, no matter that it’s supposed to be sweet…um…and bitter.  Some places talk about the sweet taste of the skin and the flesh under it, but they also talk about a bitter bite, I guess as you get further into the thing, I dunno.

SO…

Now, what?

Well, I sorta bit-sucked on the center part, there…and it tasted nice and sweet. Not much of  a flavor, really, just very sweet.  I took a bite right there where I bit-sucked it, and…yep, it tasted sweet, but no real flavor, and nothing at all bitter.³

Ok, so, what have we learned here today?  Near as I can tell, not a damned thing.

Just the way I like it…

Footnotes and stuff:

1. One could, I suppose, mount a correct argument that digitally reproducing text on a computer of any sort, is not really “print,” since print is concerned with paper and ink and the like.  While that’s correct, in this context, my meaning is clear. Besides, I don’t want to go change the word. I’m lazy like that, and would much prefer to see if I can build some bullshit around my error to see if I can ease it on by.
2. I’m also tired of hitting the quotation marks key. Live with it.
3. I decided not to show you a photo of it, because who gives a shit?