Look, I’m just old, not dead, you assholes.

This is the latest ad I’ve gotten in the mail since I’ve been officially old, an add for a cock pump. I also routinely get ads (in the regular mail, where they use stamps and shit like that there) for burial insurance, cremation insurance, Viagra, Cialis, and diabetes gear.

First, my dick works just fine. In fact, it may work better now than at any time in the past. Things are just fine, no erectile dysfunction here of any sort, not that cock pumps aren’t fun, they sure are.

Secondly, just because I’m old and semi-fat, doesn’t mean I have diabetes, you assholes.  Let’s head on down to the ole hematology lab, and compare CBC’s, not just blood sugar panels, how about we do that, Ace?  Let’s see who amongst us is old, shall we?

Plus, I’m gonna die sometime, and I get that I might want to get shit taken care of in advance of croaking, since it would be pretty hard to do it after, but could you people give me a little bit of time to get used to the idea that I’m old, first, before you start trying to bury my sad old ass?

Would that be too fucking much to ask?

Plus, I thought the new sixty was the old 50…or is the new 50 the old 60? I dunno, I get confused with all that shit.

I’m old, you know.