Ten irrefutable proofs that God does not exist.

Ever since God invented religion, but left no proof of his existence, people have been clamoring to prove that God exists on one side, and that he does not, on another.  Some of the classic philosophers broke their asses trying to support their arguments for or against God’s existence, and how many millions of college kids have argued long into the night, flexing their philosophical and theological muscles building and tearing down support for either side?  How many times have you and your friends had similar discussions, maybe arguments?

Well, let me tell you something. Those discussions, many of which I have had, are fun and help exercise your intellect, but they solve absolutely nothing, prove absolutely nothing.  By the time the conversation is at an end, no one has proved anything.  In fact, the only thing that has changed is how stupid each of you now think the other one is for believing whatever stupid shit you each believe. Fun, maybe, but of no value in proving the existence or not of  God.

Now, listen, I don’t want to wreck anyone’s fun or anything, but those big ole fights aren’t the least bit necessary. Proof that God does not exist is all around you, you just have to recognize it for what it is. But if you want to bring it right down to brass tacks, whatever that means, you can boil everything down to ten simple proofs, irrefutable and undeniable, that God does not exist.

Snot, puke, and shit.

Yes, I understand that these things are the result of the wonderful and amazing body God made for us, that they serve a good purpose and help us remain healthy.  But a God who can do all things, who is all powerful, could have designed his way around this some kinda way, ridding us of all the horror and ugliness that goes along with having the flu, or being hung over, or drinking the water in Burma.  Remember the last time you puked your guts out, and while you were on your knees with big hunks of last night’s half digested dinner flying out your mouth and nose, you lost control of your bowels, and blew brown juice all over yourself and the floor?  You think that is something that a God would invent, do you?  Not a chance.

Muslims.

Come on, man, you think God’s going to invent people who hate his guts and try and kill his worshipers every chance they get? I think not. If there were a God, no one like these subhumans would exist, and you know it.  If God would turn Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt, just because she looked back at Sodom and Gomorrah being destroyed, he sure as shit would have smited the shit out of these assholes. I mean, look at all the anti-God shit the Mohammedans (waves at Tim) have done all thru their fucking history, and are still doing today. You think that if there was a God he’d just let this shit go on? Nigger, please.

Fat.

Nobody likes fat. Yes, there are degrees of “fleshy or not” that we each like, individually, but we each define “fat” in our own way, and no one likes to be that. Fat is the enemy of man, and no God that loved his children, would stick ‘em with this shit.

Ugly.

God is Beauty and Love, and he made us in his image. Well, if that’s the case, do you think God’s ugly? No, certainly not. Look around you. How many ugly folks do you see?  The fuckers are everywhere. Hell, look at Australia and those ugly outback people. Goddamn, talk about UGLY. See? God could not have created ugly people in his image, unless he was ugly, which he couldn’t be because God ain’t ugly. Therefore, God could not exist.

Rosie O’Donnell.

Let me tell you people something. The only God that would invent something like this ugly, screeching, foul harridan, is Allah, and that motherfucker makes the muslims put them bitches in sacks, you know what I’m sayin’? Nope, if there was a God, he’d turn this sow into a urinal in a Greyhound depot, never mind a pillar of salt.

 

Bugs.

Bugs, insects, arachnids, worms…all those sorts of things…are horrible to behold, oogy, make people’s skin crawl, and bite or sting or get in the way of a decent life some kinda way. How many people a year are killed by malaria?  Oh, sure,they’re people that don’t serve any purpose anyway, for the most part, but what if you go on vacation and get bit by some dengue fever carrying goddamned bug, you know what I’m sayin’ here? God LOVES us,if he really existed, he’d smite them fuckin’ bugs something awful. 

And if you are sitting there clucking you tongue at my ignorance of the ecosystem and bugs’ and insects’ place in it, let me tell you how ignorant you are in the ways of God.  If God existed, he could wipe out the bugs and still have the ecosystem spin along just as it always had. But, since he hasn’t, he obviously doesn’t exist.

Seagulls.

Listen, all these goddamned birds do is eat and shit and make noise. These fuckers’ll challenge you for your own damned food, they’re so pushy.  And they’re stupid. Have you ever seen a trained seagull? No, you have not. Plus, they don’t taste all that good. So, really, they serve no purpose, except to get caught in those plastic six pack things, which they also try to eat. Would God make something ugly and useless, who seems to delight in shitting on his children? It’s a silly thing even to think about. If God existed, seagulls would taste like cheese burgers instead of shit.

Mexican Truck Drivers.

Hey, forget your Oriental drivers, those fuckers are Stirling Moss compared to the Mexicans. Holy shit, you know what? You can recognize one from two miles back. He’s the one driving the fucking truck in the fast lane at 48 mph. Those assholes never use their mirrors, as near as I can tell, and on the rare occasion they do notice there is a line of traffic behind them, they act like they’re leading a parade, and everyone should be grateful.  No lie, none of them can drive for shit.  90% of them haul cheap assed container freight at a hundred bucks a load, and the other 10% haul produce, and all of them with their raggedy assed fucking piece of shit tractors, all Freightliners, rattling down the road like they were in Ciudad Netzahualcoyotl or some damned place. They are neither professionals nor skilled craftsmen.

Ok, ok, I know I’m ranting, but here’s the point. Truck drivers are God’s gift to mankind. He made them right after Adam and Eve got thrown out of the Garden of Eden, see, but they couldn’t leave. Why? No moving company, is why. So, God invented trucks and truck drivers, so that His word could be done, and the Adam family could get the fuck out of Dodge, so to speak.  (And, trust me, it wasn’t a Mexican truck driver.  Mexicans weren’t invented until the Spanish found South America some years later.)

Given all that, do you actually think that if there was a God, he’d allow his Highway Holy Ones to be besmirched by these renegade, unskilled and unsafe excuses for Drivers? Never. Ergo, there is no God.

Do you see what I’m saying? There’s no need for fancy, deep, theological discussions. These are all the proofs you need to prove their ain’t no God.

Sorry for this weak ending for a weak post, but the 49ers are on, now…