Letters From Shady Acres, Home for the Feeble

Dear You People,

As I sit here in the day room looking back on my life, I see a lot of mistakes and misjudgments I’ve made thru my lifetime, as we all do, and I got to cogitating, as old men will, on what I should have known then, that I know now, that may have helped me thru life, may have made life easier or better, not just for me, but for my family and friends.  Though my life has been nothing special, I have tromped this ground for nearly 64 years, now, and that is a lot of experience in living that you younger people don’t have, obviously.  So it seems to me that, though I can’t go  back in my own history and change anything, I can pass down, not wisdom, but just some shit to think about as you go about your young lives.

The problem with all that is that I got nuthin’. 

Ok, well, yeah, I do have some things I could suggest, some guidance I could give you, but you’d never believe me; you’d think I was either trying to be funny, or am just some asshole which, while true, is not related to my knowledge about life.

I don’t want to be seen as trying to tell anyone how to live their lives since, as long as you leave me alone, it’s none of my business.  Besides, everyone else in the goddamned world is already telling you what you should and shouldn’t do and believe, how you should and shouldn’t live;  religious people and Republicans have made a handsome living out of doing that, you don’t need me adding to it.

And I gotta tell you people, I flat hate it when the news people interview some old buzzard that is celebrating his 105th birthday and he gives advice on living to a ripe old age.  Shut the fuck up,  you old dick, you were just lucky, you don’t know shit.  And you’re ugly. And put your damned teeth back in, I can’t understand a fucking thing you’re saying.  Who wants any more of that, you know?

But, on the other hand, Jeny, The Littlest Lesbian, heart of my heart, if I had one, might benefit from some of my supposed wisdom, so maybe I should say a few things, offer a few pointers, not that she reads this silly shit, she doesn’t.  But, one never knows, does one?

If you’re a regular listener to this crap, first, I’m very sorry for your condition, but secondly, some of these things you will have heard before, some will be new to you, but a general review is always a good thing, from time to time, just to keep things fresh in your head.

Oh, and other than the first one, these things are in no order at all. They’re just things for you to consider as prance on down the ole road to being croaked…

Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

This is something you people have to get firmly into your heads if you want a life that is as free from other people imposing their shit on you as you can get.  You’ll find this useful in lots of life situations, but never more so than when someone nuts up and twists off at you for something that is either stupid or none of their business, and very often both. 

Hey, you know what, Ace? Fuck you if you can’t take a joke…you see what I’m saying here.

Never let your babies learn how to walk.

If you have chirrens (that’s colored talk for “children”) you already know what I’m talking about. But if you don’t have any kids of your own, (and by that I mean kids that you have birthed or bought at a young age and have raised, not your nephew or your niece that you play with then hand back, I mean some kid you own) then right now you’re thinking that I’m some kind of asshole.  Yeah, well, you just wait. You just wait.

Listen, man,  you can’t hardly stop ‘em from learning to speak and yammering your goddamned ears off, (and even before that, they are making noise for two goddamned years. I don’t know what’s worse) but there are things you can do to slow down or stop that walking shit.  Foot binding like the Chinamen used to do? Break her ankles every year or so? I dunno, you do what works best for you and your family, but all of us parents are here to tell you that you’re making a BIG mistake if you let ‘em learn to walk. After that, your life is downhill.

Trust me.

Oh, sure, no,  you’re absolutely right, at first it is precious and cute and adorable…I mean, there’s your little punkin butt movin’ on down the road, if somewhat unsteadily at first. Never worry, in no time at all, the little twat will be driving YOUR car, burning  YOUR gas, and fucking chicks in the back of YOUR minivan, and it all begins with her learning to walk. Or him. It’s the same with hims, but worser.

Trust me on this, do what you can to keep them stationary for as long as possible.

Take reasonably decent care of your body.

No, it’s not funny, it’s not meant to be, and neither is any of the rest of this shit.

Hey, you people wanted wisdom, I’m giving you wisdom you can actually use, not some highfalutin bunch of bullshit, but tools you can actually use in your everyday lives, and you think I’d joke about that, do you? Nay, nay, I say, for even in my apparent humoresque of prose lie truth, wisdom, and sage advice, and yes, even the American Way.  Or I could be full of shit, that happens a lot, too…

Look, you people are just starting out in life, and you’re strong and all that, play sports and such; good for you.  Keep it up. Eat decently most of the time, exercise…hey, you know all the shit everyone is always harping on? Do that to the extent that is reasonable in your life. It will pay you dividends when you enter your Sunset Years, as I have. 

Let me give you people a little hint, here. Skeletons wear out. Who knew, or who gave it any personal thought? Not me.  I guess I always thought arthritis was just something you “caught” somehow…I dunno…but that ain’t the way it works, or not the osteo variety.  Those of us who have that are just wearing out from years and years of hard work, and you will, too. As I sit here, I have a hip and foot that are arthritic, shoulders, especially my right shoulder  (from all that gear shifting as well as decades of devoted beating off) the knuckles on my hands are swollen and my fingers deformed by them, to perfectly match the position they would be in on  a big truck steering wheel, and a lack of cartilage and bone spurs in my cervical vertebrae, and it’s all just from wearing out.

So what I’m saying here is that, since you people are going to wear out, too, to varying degrees, it would put money in your bank to tend your body some degree of well.

Fuck everything you can outrun.

Don’t let ANYONE try and cram that “quality is better than quantity” shit down your throats, it just ain’t true.  I tried that once, long ago, and you never fucking get laid. I mean, get me some pussy five days a week, then we’ll start talking about it’s quality. You see where I’m coming from with this? Most of the girls that are fun in bed are the easiest sluts, anyway, and those are EXACTLY the qualities I have always looked for in a girl, general sluttiness.

So I don’t know what anyone ever meant by that quality shit when it comes to chicks. I imagine it was made up by some uptight twat that don’t like suckin’ dick, and if she does lower herself to your level, she is certainly not going to get any of that ugly stuff in her mouth.

I got an idea. How about you go fuck yourself, bitch, the bars are FULL of real women.  Don’t wait up…

If YOU won’t fuck me, there are plenty of people who will.

This can be related to the caution above, to some degree as you can probably see.  Here’s the deal…

Often…no, no, not always…but often…very often, as it turns out, women look down on us men because we want pussy a lot, if not all the time.  They attempt to make us feel like we are lesser than they are, simply because our sex drive is higher than theirs might be. Then, add on top of that the day to day bullshit that often goes on in a marriage with a harping, controlling wife…you know, withholding sex as a punishment, or using it as a reward, that sort of thing…and you can see how sexual tensions can run amok.  Especially if your wife tends toward being a cunt.

I’ve been up against this upon occasion, and not just in a marriage, and I suggest you adopt this attitude…

Keep your head high. Sex is terrific, and you should get as much of it as you can handle.  Keep in mind that SHE is the one with stick up her ass, where your cock could be, not you.  She is the one with the problem, not you.

And the next time the subject comes up…you know, where you think it’s about time to relieve some man pressure and knock the bottom out of some pussy, and your wife doesn’t think she feels like it, not again this month…paraphrase my words, then go out and get laid.

Listen, bitch, if you think you’re going to hold your pussy over my head, and not be naked,  you have made a vast number of mistakes in your judgment of me. Tell you what, I’ve never had any trouble getting laid, and if you won’t fuck me, someone else will.

And we didn’t discuss it any more after that. She tried, I demurred because we had already discussed it, I understood her position and had rejected it out of hand, so what was to discuss?  You don’t wanna fuck me. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.

See ya, I have a date.

Ok, there’s more crap, but I’m tired of typing, and someone is due by here at any moment to have me sign some paperwork.

I’m all…important and shit…