I was first ushered into the world of The Cripple when a loaded forklift smooshed my left foot. As you might imagine, that pretty well fucks up one’s ability to walk, and I did not for about a year. When I was able to begin trying to walk again, I found out that the more I “walked,” the more my left hip hurt, in addition to my foot. Time goes by, and eventually the hip pain overshadows the foot pain (god, I sound like an old gimp…) and over the period of about two years, completely consumes my life. The best I was ever able to walk after getting forklifted was two blocks, with two rest stops along the way, and as time went by and my hip bones began to rub on themselves, my ability to walk virtually disappeared. I hobbled, and barely.
Ok, so from all this shit, you can see that there was no question that I was, indeed, a major…and a permanent…gimp. (adjudicated)
Well, now I have my hip fixed and am on the road to having that under control.
So, what’s the issue? Well, first, on the question of my hip…with a prosthetic hip, am I still a hip cripple? I would guess so, in the same sense that some fucker who gets a leg blowed off in Afghanistan and gets a fake leg. Everyone calls him a hero and shit, but let’s face it…the dude can only be in the Gimp Olympics, right? Ergo, he must still be a cripple, even though he’s fixed.
Ok, so, by that reasoning, fixed or not, I have a hip full of ceramic, plastic, and titanium…every bit as much a prosthesis as the one legged war hero, but not nearly as cool, I’ll admit…so, yeah, I guess I’m still a cripple, hip-wise.
Now that I’ve figured this out, we don’t have to discuss the gimp-worthiness of my foot. I’m a cripple there, too.
Alrighty, then. I’m glad we’ve had this little talk, I guess. I mean, I could have just thought it out myself instead of bothering you people with it. Oh, well…this shit is free, it don’t gotta be good.
I also found out this morning at physical therapy that, while my cane-less walking is good, my left, operated-on leg measures shorter than my right leg. The hope is that, over time, that will correct itself…apparently it often does, but not always.
Lessee, now…what else…OH, this is a beauty. Look, my car is very low to the ground and before surgery I had a hell of a time getting into or out of the damned thing. I’ve not driven it since surgery for just that reason. The Lesbian has been commuting to school in it, not because it’s new, she says, but because MY car gets 40 mpg and hers gets 20.
Well, I’m pretty interested in getting out of our 12 mpg big ole pickup (Tina’s Texas truck) and back into my car, but I found out this morning that if my butt is lower than my knees when I’m sitting in it…which it is…then I cannot get in it until I am released from my hip restrictions…another two to five months. I could raise that up by sitting on a pillow, for example, but then my head would be sticking out the sunroof, and I suppose some fucking cop would piss and moan about it. I dunno, but there seems to be something fucked up about this, goddamned kid is gonna skate with my car again…
By the way, "hip restrictions” are the things I cannot do with my new hero’s hip, unless I want it to dislocate which, I’ve been assured by all concerned, ain’t fun. Three months to six months, depending on how well I heal…or something.
Enough of this shit, don’t you think?